Day Eighty : March 23, 2010 : Tuesday
I woke up where I was last night. It's funny how you'd think that someone has a heart of gold out there who'd help you out and take you in.... when it doesn't really happen. That's the funny part... Not really...
So, being an injured boy with no help whatsoever, I stayed here where I currently am right now.
I've been thinking a lot about myself. But then I found out I have short attention span. Yeah, such a bitch. I keep focusing my energy on the wrong things at the wrong times...
I'm not really in the mood to become philosophical right now... I mean, a while ago I was very philosophical. Like, asking why I'm here, what my purpose is. Maybe the world doesn't need me? Maybe I have a special reason? I even thought about just rotting here... I mean, it's close enough to hell, right?
Really... what did I come here for? I'm miles and miles away from home. I'm surprised I'm alive. Sure, I have great tolerance in pain...But I'm very, how you say, fragile and gullible. My feelings get hurt easily, so I've discovered... and I tend to do what other people tell me to when I'm convinced with their logic.
Stupid Vinny. I blame all this to him.
Maybe I should just blame all my anger at Vinny. He deserves it. You could've stopped me, dude. Some friend you are!
... When you think about yourself, you think about your origin, right? So I was thinking about my mother. She's... Well, she's a big influence in my life. She flipping screwed me up. I love her, I really do, but I don't think she's growing me right. What the fuck am I doing out here if I'm a normal boy? I mean, Vinny doesn't randomly go out to travel like this! Because he's fucking normal!
Honestly, what did my mother feed me to make me turn out like this? She's just making me do what she wants me to do. Sort of like a slave, but less harsher. I can't believe I only noticed now... I'm so dumb. I mean, she dumps me at some planet (e.g. Earth, Jupiter) and leaves me there for some years alone without her assistance whatsoever... And she doesn't even flipping contact me! What am I supposed to say? That I have fucking amnesia? What do I do? Play cool? Play quiet? Play naughty? I've been doing all these random shit with myself because I have no idea what to do! She dumps me at some place and she doesn't even say why. She could've at least said why!
Does she think I've been doing well on my own? She trusts me cause I'm a guy? What the fuck! Does she even kow what I've been saying, what I've been doing, what I've been through?
Gosh, I'm not even making sense anymore!
I've been through some really weird shit. I don't blame anyone about that, it's my fault for blabbing, for going all psychological on some person. I'm sorry... I'm sorry for that. I don't think anyone deserved some of my craziness on them. I mean, I created some stupid team cause I'm bored... And I told my team mates I'm this guy whose cool and mighty and fun and loving and loyal. I'm not sure I am what I say anymore... I pretend so much, I forget who I am.
I'm really sorry.... I'm really, very sorry.. No one needs my shit.
But how was I supposed to know that all I needed to do was be honest and open up? All she's ever said to me are lies, and she's always smiling at me like everything is perfect and glittery and happy. She never cried on me... She never said anything serious. She's always having fun. I don't think she's having fun. Why doesn't she just talk to me decently? Why did I have to be on that space ship? She never tells me anything...
Day Eighty One : March 24, 2010 : Wednesday
I haven't eaten or drank anything.... I don't know what time it is... I'm not even sure it's Wednesday. Everything just seems so pointless to me now.
I was saying some really weird stuff yesterday, huh? It was unfair of me to blame it all on Churika (Or Vinny). She's got her own problems, and I know she trusts me to handle mine. Maybe she just wants me to grow strong? Maybe she's just protecting me? Who knows?
Maybe she's dealing with stuff I shouldn't really mess with... Like my father. I never knew him. Maybe that's why I'm so screwed up... That's what Isidor told me before (I think?). Maybe I just need some sort of guidance. It's not my fault I never met my father... and I sure as hell hope it wasn't Churika's.
Whatever. Maybe I don't really need him in my life... I mean, Vinny grew up fine without both his parents. Lee murdered his own father (though he has his own issues). Even Errol. He can be nutty at times, sure, and he wasn't exactly a well-liked person as a child... But he's fine now, and that's all that matters.
Maybe I should just embrace my nutty self. No one has a problem with it, right? RIGHT?
Vinny & Eji, they accept me for who I am... Zonvelf, Alfie, Jan, Hugo & Luca... They're all like brothers to me... And they never complained. It's just me whose complaining... It's just me whose curious, it's me whose confused.
It's not really important to know myself, right? I can always figure it out sooner or later.
.... Maybe I just need a long warm shower? It's been weeks since I last washed up decently. I stink as hell, and the heat here is spreading it. Not very wise. People are beginning to think I'm dead, lying here on the ground. I can just laugh at their reactions whenever I move. Hahah... haha... ha...
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